Some good things...

I don't get to post many pictures ,

but my sister thought she would put these on for me to post about.Like every Halloween our kids get their costumes done last... It is always a very stressful few hours. But Josie found a sweet way to occupy a very overstimulated little boy.

If you know our children you know that Jo and Nat are not the most compatible. When he is over the top it is never Josie who can bring him back down. She sees things in very black and white and when dealing with Nat their is alot of grey. So to see her teaching him a dance and correcting him with out him melting is a blessing I haven't seen. So each time I see this I tear up knowing what a bad day we were having and that Josie grew up just alittle bit more that day.


Our silly kiddos can you guess what each one is?

Now all of us... Do you get the picture yet?

The princess holding court.

And do you know who this is?

The princess is done.

Just like when she was little,

when she is done she can sleep anywhere in anything!
In all of the pic. You don't see the back,

it has full corset lacing and none of us had loosened her up here!

confessional

Goodness, I know I need to blog, but I don't know where to start....I have some not good things going on and all I want to do is share about the good or normal things. I could join a blog carnival and do Not Me Monday, share about the hectic weekend, or brag about the cool things that have happened, but all of that would be avoiding the true issues going on in my life. I am trying to focus on the positive, but last Friday my world was shaken.



This is not a pity me post. I am not looking for complements, I just need to face the negative and cleanse it from me, so please do not feel like you need to continue to read, because this is for me.



For the past few years I have been standing beside my sister, giving support when needed getting upset at the mean things people will say to hurt her. Going to meetings to give them light and truth. We keep facing things head on taking it one step at a time. I do this for her, but knowing it was for her never thinking it would touch me, facing the "enemy" not thinking the enemy would switch it's focus to me when it never seceded with her.



It was very conceited for me to think that way, because when the focus switched, it floored me. Never would I think they would come after me, but they have and I am just frozen in terror, trying to believe that truth will prevail, but fearing that it won't.



In the past year I feel like I have grown as a good christian, trying to live the way He would wish me to live. Now the enemy is testing me and I am trying to have faith and believe in Him, I just keep having the moments of doubt. I know He is in control, but I keep questioning it. I wish I had an unwavering faith, but I do not. I love God and believe in Him, but with all of the nastiness coming at me I am ashamed to say I find myself afraid and thinking that the "enemy" might be heard and win.



I am a Mother. I try to be the best mother possible. I am ashamed to admit, but I worship my children, thanking god for them constantly. I have struggled with the balance of God first family second. Many times I put them ahead of Him. I know this is not the way, but it dose happen. It is a continual struggle for me. I wish it wasn't so, but it is and has been from the beginning. At times in my life I believed that by being the best mother and raising the gifts he gave me was my way to praise him and worship him. Sounds warped but that was how I viewed it, and I still fight that way of thinking.

So the enemy attacked me as a mother. I am not perfect, but I am a pretty good mother, well most of the time I think so. But with all the bad things going on I start to question it. I am asking my children if I am doing a good job, hoping that they will be the ones to shed the light and truth for me. Not a very good feeling, asking the ones that I am protecting to be eloquent and truthful. To stand up for ma and us as a family. It is a very big burden for them, and yet I ask it of them. I must believe that god is asking them to step up and let the enemy know that they are looked after by him and just go back to HE**. Where the enemy belongs. So we now Wait and see what the next move will be, Hoping that the Lord will look out for us and trying to keep our faith in him.

Puplic Speaking.

I am a very shy person, I get very frightened to speak in front of multiple people. Well I am thinking the lord is telling me it is time to face this fear.

It has been along time since I needed to do any public speaking. A few months ago I was at on of the girls performances and we didn't have an announcer, so I was asked to do it. I know all of the girls, and I also know all of the dances, so it should be no problem right? I stood their shaking in fear during each dance repeating over and over what I needed to say next. I did not enjoy any of the performance, but it made me realize that a fear i had manageable in high school is not any more.

Last night I was at bible study. It is a small lovely group of ladies whom I am forming amazing friendships with. as we close each night we pray. Pretty standard right, well last night our leader asked me to close us in prayer. I totally froze up, after thanking our lord I just started to stutter. How am I suppose to pray for these other woman? I am very conferable praying for myself and with my children, but for a group of woman, I am the mouth piece for all that is in their hearts. I felt so overwhelmed for them I just couldn't speak.

Now the public speaking that is coming up tomorrow that I am not ready for no matter how well I know the subject matter I just keep writing my out line and note cards but I haven't found all that I want to cover. Tomorrow I will be talking to my daughters child development class about teen parenting. This is a very special topic in our house. One that has been openly discussed with my children and all of their friends for a very long time. One I ask about constantly, but the idea of sharing some moments that I am not proud of is freaking me out. Of hoping to impact one of them to make a difference, giving a real account of life and how it should not be done. I know that this has been in the making for my like for a while now I just want to make all of them think, with out hurting my daughter. I keep thinking that this would be easier to discuss if my baby wasn't in the room listening.
She lived it all with me.
She has felt the consequences of my actions.
She has been taught about how parenting is not for teens and why.
But she has never heard details of life with her while I was in high school. At least not the "real" feelings and details, and I am considering sharing some of those.

I know god is in control and if he can use me to stop just one pregnancy then I know I fulfilled His purpose, but please let me see the balance of truth and not to hurt Brianna.

Update

Well I haven't taken the time to post recently, life with the kids just seems to take up more time so me time seems to suffer.

Last time I posted I let you know that Josie was extended an invitation to audition for Ballet Theater San Luis Obispo. Let me give you an update. We had a performance at 2 p.m. Sunday afternoon. Once we got their I was informed that she and 1 other student had a 5 p.m. audition. Well, that was so great, Josie was so very thrilled, but then she calculated how much time she had to stress out. She didn't even have her ballet shoes with her! We had special friends from out of town that she really wanted to see at her gymnastic competition, so as bummed as she was that she would not see her she was so happy!

The audition was so cool to see! In the past, she has had auditions at various competitions they were always closed door, so to be able to watch her do one was just spectacular. The director was so sweet and kind, she would show them what she wanted and then ask them to repeat it, if it wasn't perfect she would show them again and then have them do it again. So because we didn't have shoes the other student went by and grabbed her shoes, but because they were auditioning for flat parts, and that Jo had only been on point for 4 months she didn't think to get the point shoes. Part way into the audition Terry (director) asked her to put on point shoes, we didn't have them so to test her knowledge she started to call out moves for her to do, at one point she called out something and Josie did it. Terry's response was "wow she is in" A former dancer from our studio was there watching and he was just blown away and saying how he feels like a proud big brother.

So fast forward to her first rehearsal, she is on point for a pretty long intense scene. Most of the steps she had not even dreamed of trying, and every one is so kind and willing to take the time to teach her. It is amazing to see her push her self and thrive in this new environment. She has been so responsible with thinking ahead to what all she had to do, and making the most of her time. She had cut out most of her t.v. watching, and recreational reading. She thinks about all she has to do and looks ahead to see when she can fit it in. Seeing her use this skill just sends me over the moon. I know a lot of adults who have a problem with that skill.

In the past two weeks she has added around 2 extra hours of class time. To give you an idea I think she is now dancing about 13 hours from Mon. to Thurs. Sat and Sun. rehearsals are an extra 8 to 10 hours. That is a part time job. Such a busy little girl.

Brianna has had a big event this past week too. She was on the FFA opening and closing competitive team. This was a big deal to her. Our school also hosted the event so there was extra work in that area too. She was on a team of individuals that did not take this commitment as serious as she did. This caused A LOT of anxiety for her. She worked constantly memorizing her parts, so much so that dear Josie knew all of the other officers parts from running it with her. On Monday I had received 3 major melt down phone calls. She was worried because she kept reversing two words, and knowing that she was reversing them she would start to stutter leading up to it. This is not the best for public speaking. With Brianna being a little OCD and having to depend on others who she has no faith in, just sent her over the edge. One of the phone calls was Andrew in a total loss as to what to do. I talked him though calming her down and she was good until after. She has been learning self calming down techniques, but She was just so far over the edge that she need the outside help to get back under control. She calmed down and did wonderful, just a little stutter, but with another member not knowing any of her part, it didn't hurt the teams score. It was a great learning experience, a very stressful one but good for her anyway. Brianna really wanted her sister, and Josie wanted to be their and do it with her, but she is not in FFA and she had dance so she couldn't be their, but just watch next year will be another story. It was really great to see them working so hard together, and Josie being gentle in her correction of Brianna. Now if I could just get that gentleness to carry over to Nat.... oh well one step at a time right?


In the last week we had a lot of 'extras' to fit into our already full schedule. As stated above Brianna had an FFA event, it is homecoming week, Josie had an to make a model of an element, choir concert and the community talent show to dance at. I will blog more about these in the near future I might even post pics, but until then just remember I wish I could get myself to blog more.

Bragging Mama

I have two very amazing children! I love them both and think no one can compare. I know we all feel that way about our children, and can accept that we are all delusional that our child is more special than another. We are all special children of the lord, and created for a special purpose. It just makes my cup over flow to see a child of mine realize what her gift is and dedicate herself to it. It even makes me a little teary eyed (yep me, who could guess?) to see others recognize her gift.

Josie lives to perform! She will take every opportunity to dance or sing. As her mother I see her give her heart into every performance. I support and believe in her, hoping that others are touched by what she puts into it too. Don't get me wrong the fact that she sings all the time, or she dances instead of walking can be disturbing and annoying, but that is just who she is. In the last year she has grown so much I almost don't recognize her. She is becoming a talented young lady and the community that we live in is starting too see it too. I have been approached many different times complementing me for her talent in both dancing and singing. Like I ever did anything to deserve the complement. God gave her her gifts not me, but not all see that. But back to my bragging. Josie has been approached by a local professional ballet company to audition for their winter ballet. It is in no way a guarantee that she will be in it, but it is still a great honor to be invited. It just turns me into mush to hear others appreciate her gifts.

So whoo hoo, she gets the great opportunity to audition, and understands (at least in her head) that she might not be right for the part. We believe in her and her dance instructor dose too, so we will hope for the best and know that god has put this learning experience in her path. She seems to have a great grip on reality with this. She told me last night that she knows this is a wonderful experience for her, one she can grow and learn from, she just doesn't know if god has given this too her to learn and work with a professional company or to learn how to deal with not being chosen. We shall wait and see what is to come.